How I can save you (or kill you) with stats!

                It’s been a while, but this is down to two things; the first is a 27,000 word behemoth that I handed in recently that feels like it has been written in my own blood. The second is that I’ve had things I want to write about but they are trivial things worthy of maybe a paragraph and not a whole blog post. However (you lucky, lucky people) I have found something to share with you all.

                There is a saying in psychology “It’s not true unless you can demonstrate it.” Simply saying “everyone knows” or “It’s common sense” won’t cut it if you want people to take you seriously as a scientist or academic.  Thus has been created an ocean of statistics, and their manipulation and (mis)use is a cornerstone of modern psychology. People like snippy soundbites, they like probabilities, they like data that has taken a very nuanced and complex idea and put it into a phrase that would fit on the average advertising slogan. It makes for less effort to understand, and we can save or brainpower for more important things. Sadly, statistics can be our ally in this.

                So before I launch into this I will tell you all one important thing to bear in mind:

                You have nine toes.

                This may come as a surprise to you, but it’s true statistically speaking you do indeed have nine toes. If you took all the toes in the world, added them together and divided that number by the total population the number would be approximately nine.  So whenever somebody starts throwing numbers at you; try and maintain a healthy scepticism, just because it sounds believable, doesn’t mean it’s true.

                Also; “It has increased 300% over a year” could mean that last year we had one instance, this year we had three. ALWAYS distrust percentage data.

                So starting from the cradle, how will I save/kill you? Well for a start I am taking you out of your mothers care as an infant, mothers are significantly more likely to kill their own children then the fathers are. So from now on fathers have full custody for the first year of a child’s life, the mother has supervised visits.  Now of course, the number of infanticides are fairly minimal compared to the number of women who don’t kill their children, but that statistic isn’t nearly as headline grabbing as the former, is it?

                Now that you’re older I’ll see that you’re only cared for by strangers, a new care-giver every week should be safe. We’ll rotate the children around to ensure everyone has a different child to watch over during the course of your formative years. You see, a child is most likely to be abused by somebody who is a family member, or a close friend of the family. Therefore by removing family and friends from the equation we will safeguard all the little kidlets. Again; the number of children who manage to grow up without being significantly abused[0] is huge compared to the number of children who unfortunately are, but again, that statistic won’t generate revenue the way the former does. Also this is up there with the whole “Most  shark attacks happen in shallow water” statistic, REALLY!? You mean those land-sharks and deep-ocean humans I have been reading about are a LIE!? I am betrayed at every turn.

                Entering into adulthood, I’ll ensure you’re female.  Men represent the overwhelming victims of all violent crime[1], despite women statistically showing a greater fear of becoming a victim they are one of the safest demographics. Of course other statistics dispute this; claiming that a university campus has levels of rape equivalent to Congo war-zones. However that particular study managed to pad it’s stats by defining any unwanted contacts (including a stolen kiss or a drunk grope) as sexual assault. With this in mind, and considering the typical student lifestyle, I can only express amazement that the result wasn’t higher. Also; they only polled women of course, so the number of men who had some drunken sorority sister grope them or steal a kiss was ignored. That is not to say I condone this behaviour, but neither am I about to condemn drunken horney idiot students as a generation of rapists.

                As you enter your late adulthood, I’m afraid that once you hit 30 I will have to ban you from having sex. The rate of STD’s increases markedly once you reach that stage in your life. Essentially, people link STD’s with reckless teenagers and twenty-somethings and become a lot more cavalier with their primary sexual organs once they reach the perceived maturity of their thirties. Of course the VAST majority of people are sensible with their sex lives, but because the numbers have increased so markedly I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ban it for everyone. It also seems ot be ignored that more mature people are less shy about seeing a doctor about having their goolies looked at and as such are more likely to becomes a statistic, but hey, why spoil a good narrative?

                As you leave your thirties and enter your forties, middle age looms. I’m afraid I’m going to have to schedule mandatory psychiatric evaluations for you. Serious sexual perversions and/or philias generally begin manifesting in the late 30’s early 40’s and so in order to safeguard pets, children and innocent furniture/plushies I’m going to have to insist you speak to a psychological professional regularly to discuss your sex life and fantasies. Now while it is true that the VAST majority of people go through their entire lives never having an unhealthy relation to their own personal sexual tastes, I’m afraid the statistics have spoken, the sharp rise in sexual deviancies have justified this measure. Please head to your local hospital and remember to bring your gimp outfit and ball-gag with you.
                With retirement looming, you’ll have to be checked into a retirement home. Dementia and other degenerative mental afflictions are much more likely now, and despite the vast number of fully self-reliant pensioners, you’re going to have to be better safe than sorry and live in a retirement home. Don’t worry, I am sure people will visit. Also; We’re taking your drivers licence.

                So there you go! I have changed the world with statistics and ensured you’re safe! Or that you’ve killed yourself though suicide because the Orwellian future has crushed your will to live.

                Either way, you can’t argue with the numbers! Isn’t science fun?

[0] I say “Significantly abused” because “Abuse” is a pretty broad umbrella, technically telling your child off, exposing them to something that scares them, or saying “Not now, I’m busy” can be argued to be abusive. Kids, like adults, are affected by different behaviours in a unique way.

[1] For those of you who said “By other men!!” congrats, you’re why society is sick. Victims need your support, not your disdainful indifference.
Also; Rape is not something women have the majority in when it comes to victim cred, prisons have ensured that men get raped as often as women do. Also: “Made to penetrate” (a crime as prevalent as rape) is not called as rape apparently, who knew you could force someone to have sex against their will and escape the label of “Rapist”.