Everdayfeminism takes Psycholijay on a date!

Bear in mind the aforementioned is to feminism what fast-food is to well-balanced diet. But I thought I would take time out of my day to go on a date with them, and answer the 10 questions they insist you must ask your man when on a first date.

So my lovely, I will put on my Sunday finest, wash, brush, and shave. Then meet you in a public place with at least 3 cameras on me at all times, also, you don’t mind if I record this date do you? I’d hate for anything I said to be taken out of context and used against me in future.

Do you believe that Black Lives Matter?

                Err.. okay well.. I guess I’ll have my coffee without cream then, and do you wanna sit near the window, I feel like the sunlight and abundance of witnesses would do us some good.

Yes, insomuch as I believe that life is sacred, but I also believe that outside of a very specific American cultural zeitgeist this statement is divisive and actually manages to do more harm than good. I tend to view it alongside the statement that popped up recently of “It’s okay to be white”. While both statements are harmless, and indeed accurate, they’re still race-baitey and designed to inflame people with thin skin and big mouths.

What are your thoughts on Gender and Sexual orientation?

Are you coming on to me?! Err.. look I mean, you seem nice but let’s start with dinner first, okay?

I think that both concepts exist. If you wish more detail, I’ll tell you that I believe both are serious and very real issues that people struggle with every day, and that it vexes me that the struggle has be co-opted by hacks and yellow journalism in order to generate revenue, inflame outrage, heighten misunderstandings and generally make the world that little bit worse in the name of making money.

I consider both in the same way I consider people’s primary sexual organs, it’s fine to own them, but please don’t drag them into the conversation unless it’s relevant.

How do you work to dismantle sexism and misogyny in your life?

                Err.. is it my aftershave? I swear when I bought something labelled “for men” I didn’t think it would have this strong an effect on society.

I be the change I want to see. I don’t waste my time alienating people through tacit implications that they hate women, or are wilfully biased towards or against a particular gender. It’s interesting that you’d suggest though this question that I am somehow responsible for these very real social ills, and simply by raising them you have done all that is required on your end to fix them.

How about you use your elevated position as a popular media outlet to inform and support people in their lives instead of pointing fingers, inflaming prejudice, and generally fostering an “Us vs them” attitude in gender politics.

If you want to change the world start with yourself and stop making it everyone else’s responsibility.

What are your thoughts on sex work?

                Wait… you are coming onto me! Oh wait, is this about a clean STD check or something? I think we’re a bit early for that kinda discussion.

I think it will always exist no matter what laws are passed, and that people involved in it deserve as many rights and protections as everyone else.

In forensic psychology we refer to sex workers (among other demographics) as “the half-dead”, because they are so despised by society (including elements of feminism) that when they die it is as if they never existed at all because they have no loved ones, no friends, and no co-workers that would dare talk to the police, so in essence they are “a murder waiting to happen.”

Maybe, think about that next time you publish an article condemning the sex industry. Because when you vilify this area, you’re contributing to what makes these people the “half-dead”.

Are you a supporter of the BDS movement?

Okay, so I had to look this up, forgive me for getting my phone out on our date sweetums. It’s essentially a movement that condemns Israel and is pro-Palestine (though it goes at lengths to explain that you can be pro-Palestine without being anti-Israel or antiemetic.)

Honestly? I don’t support Israel as a country, I feel it’s morally bankrupt, that has nothing to do with its religious choices and more to do with its policies and actions on the global stage. However, this is my personal opinion ad I’d not make it my business to inflict it on anyone else, or join a movement that did so.

What is your understanding of settler colonialism and indigenous rights?

                Umm I’ll have the soup I guess, can I have extra croutons? Sorry I missed that hun, I was ordering wait- what? Err.., is this about my mother, I mean I know she’s Australian but- oh.. right, okay-okay.

I understand that the “age of expansion” was essentially over about 200years ago, and while the echoes of it still ring down the ages it is hardly a daily contributing factor to the life of anyone in modern day Britain. I think while it makes for interesting sociological information, most individuals who it effects will be oblivious to the day-to-day effects on their lives and attempting to “enlighten” them smacks of intellectual elitism and an inflated sense of guilt for something that you had no direct hand in.

I think that the native people deserve every right that is afforded to people of the nation they reside, though attempting to wade in and impose any kind of sanctions or legislation smacks of making the same mistake that colonials did, in assuming that “You know what’s best” for all those poor ignorant brown people. How about you try and empower them to speak for themselves instead of forcing them to rely on a bunch of middle-class white women who work for some clickbaity website?

Do you think capitalism is exploitative?

                Well I was gonna suggest we go halves on the bill, is that wrong?

No more so then any other political ideology. It breaks down to how it’s used, in an ideal world, capitalism would create a virtuous cycle of high wages, high quality products, and economic prosperity and national growth. What happens when people get greedy is low wages, poor quality products and eventual economic stagnation.

That’s not to say somehow socialism is better, they remain political ideologies and when employed “properly” they can lead to some kind of utopia. However ultimately the world is more complicated than a year 1 political history class, and the human element involved as well as the complications around global economies and the real politick mess things up.

Can any human be illegal?

No, but they can take illegal actions.  Was this some kinda entrapment question? Baby, I am starting to think you don’t wanna date me, I’m just here as a venting block for all your messed up issues. I’m gonna call a cab alright?

Do you support Muslim Americans and non-Muslim people from Islamic countries?

What? Okay hunny, I’m gonna be straight with you, this date has gone on a kinda weird turn for me. I’ll support anyone on the grounds that humans deserve a basic level of rights and respect, and I don’t judge anyone as a collective, that includes supporting, or condemning people based on their ideological or ethnic grounds.  Treating people as some kinda protected class is just as patronizing and stupid as treating them all as potential terrorists, they’re just people like you and me.

The taxi says that it’ll be here soon, do you mind if I get my main meal to take-away?

Does your allyship include disabled folks?

Err… okay hun, I’m gonna get in the taxi now.. no.. no I don’t think I need your number or email.. in fact I’m just gonna go ahead and file a restraining order if that’s okay?

I’m generally suspicious of anyone who claims the title “ally” as it’s one of those things where somebody feels the need to declare something about themselves to all around them in order to establish some kind of social capital.

Most people don’t have to say “I’m a Feminist Ally” because the idea that men and women are equal is a no-brainer, most people in the first world don’t have to go out of their way to state it. It’s reminds me of those really militant anti-gay preachers who are exposed as being really into the butt-stuff on the sly, the louder you shout the more I think you have something to hide.

But to answer your question, I’ll show everyone the same level of respect and decency I would anyone else, regardless of circumstance, that also includes calling them out if they act like a douche, regardless of circumstance.

Look darling, it’s not you it’s m- no wait, it totally is you. I think it’s best we see other people, I’m gonna maybe go see that nice lady from work, you can go back home and feed your dozen cats.

Wanna learn something interesting? #Me too!

                So, in my rapidly shrinking social media that I will likely abandon sometime in January I notice people speaking out about sexual assaults-  correction, I see women speaking out about sexual assaults, and then occasionally men will break the social taboo’s around admitting weakness, especially sexual weakness, and getting shouted down for it for “drawing attention away from a # that is supposed to be about women” thankfully I see just as many wonderful women encouraging men to come forwards and slamming the former bigoted harpies for being the wretched unfeeling cretins that they are, but allow me to address this whole fiasco shortly before I go and make a lyre and bleach cocktail.

                 For those of you not in the know, I’ve mastered psychology in the field of forensic psychology, that includes a very detailed and working understanding of sexual crimes. So I like to think I speak with a little more understanding of this then “I read a Wikipedia article this one time.” So, allow me to address a few things I’ve seen written.

                Statement: “This is a problem that disproportionately affects women.”

                True/False: Mostly false, though you can’t demand Men be silent about coming forwards to discuss their own instances of being a victim, and then go ahead and say stuff like this. News flash, if you openly slam men for coming forwards to speak about the times they have been hurt, then *Dingdingding* of course the problem will only seem to disproportionately effect women!
                The difference here is how the crime is perceived, most men when assaulted (Especially if sexually assaulted!) will either be silent, or “shrug it off” burying it deep to surface later in the form of weird psychological hang-ups and tics. Men don’t (as a rule) process their problems by talking about them, they tend to let them sit in their subconscious and “stew” gently, being digested and dismissed eventually (in most cases) and if not it may cause serious psychological problems. That is not to say men never confide in people, but they’d be much more careful when they do, usually picking a VERY close relative or a spouse rather then a social friendship network (Virtual or otherwise). Either way, they’re not likely to # about it, especially if they get told to shut up when they do.

                Statement: “#Whataboutthemens! You have plenty of male charities to help you, why do you have to detract from women!”
                Ture/False:  Mostly False, male charities do exist, but they have NO government funding, neither are they eligible to apply for it. In total the UK has 6 abuse shelters for men (though since this information was gleaned through a FOIA request about 4 years ago so the number has likely shrunk since) the number for women runs into the hundreds in a single borough of London alone. A man coming forwards to talk about his pain will no more “detract from women” then a Mom & Pop burger store will detract from McDonald’s bottom line. Using this argument just reflects insecurity about seeing men as vulnerable humans in need of help, rather then some kind of support-dispensing machine that has no real feeling or emotions of consequence.

                Statement: “Men just don’t experience sexual assault like women do.”
                True/False: True; for more serious crimes. False for low-level sexual assault. Men get groped, their butts pinched, their clothing tugged on and crude invites to bed just like women do, the difference is men tend to shrug that stuff off easier, as there is very little chance of a physical threat behind it. Which leads us to the former, more serious crimes.

                It’s unlikely an average women will be able to overpower an average man, women tend to grow up with this knowledge and so will undoubtedly find other avenues of power, or as my sister once said “I used to hit Jay, until he got big enough to hit me back and he could always hit harder” (For the record: my sister is a wonderful woman and I am VERY fortunate to have her in my life, but we were kids, kids do dumb stuff!). When a woman wants power (including sexual power) over a man she’ll be quicker to resort to power by proxy, threats against children, or a rape accusation / assault charge or promises to ruin his reputation within shared social circles if the man does not comply. This kind of behaviour is typical of sexual predators and is about as common is women as it is in men, and despite what you may read elsewhere, most people of either gender are not closet sex offenders. What's more, a physical threat may (in theory) be fought off, you can't fight off the stigma of a rape/DV charge, or family court and just as women are aware they mostly can't fight men, men are aware of the damage this sort of thing can do.

Lastly. Do I have a #metoo? Yes… yes I do. Several in fact.

But that is none of your business.

How to say werds gud.

                As I continue my work, hammering out an endless stream of carefully constructed words that when read backwards will summon an elder god that will consume the earth for good, I find I am disrupted by ex-girlfriends of ten years trying to get through numerous blocks and bans to send me messages about how they have decided in the interim that I am a sociopath among other hideous accusations. I briefly consider contacting the police regarding them (again) before sighing and continuing my inexorable shuffle towards suicide-by-coffee and/or a psychotic break that will no doubt result death, but with an amusing interlude prior where I declare a national conspiracy of pig-people have infiltrated the government and the only way to combat them is to slather passers-by in apple sauce, because pigs fear it, ultimately ending when I am gunned down by the armed response unit for attempting to coat Theresa May in a honey glaze…

                Sorry, I get distracted easily of late. This is related (somewhat) I promise, let’s start again…

                In my journeys through the interwebs and my infrequent dalliances in the meatworld I come across certain words that started in the vaunted halls of psychology and have wandered into the common parlance in the same way blind homeless orphan would wander into an active minefield filled with used syringes and raw sewage. The results of which cause me not inconsiderable irritation, but as was recently pointed out to me by my close family, I don’t so much have “pet peeves” as I do “a petting zoo of peeves”.  So in order to bring some sanity to the world I’ll outline to you now some of the words I noticed, how they are used, and how they SHOULD be used.

                And as a side note: If you think it’s funny to go ahead and deliberately use these word incorrectly in front of me following reading this, I will share my own humour with you, and we can both share a jolly good laugh down at the proctology ward as you have the Collins English Dictionary removed from your colon.

                Triggered:

                Common usage: #triggered. A person expressing that something gave them a (usually negative) emotional response, “Oh I get triggered by bees! They totally send me into a panic!” Or occasionally used to mitigate a childish temper tantrum thrown by somebody old enough to know better, claiming that it’s not their fault they attacked you, as you triggered them.

                Actual meaning: A psychological trigger is usually associated with a SERIOUS underlying psychological problem, like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Schizophrenia. For example a war veteran may have a flashback triggered by firework explosions, or a Schizophrenic may be triggered to hallucinate thanks to a specific scent (as the memory and scent sections of the brain are very close). The difference is that a psychological Trigger results in almost catatonic fear, hysterical and/or irrational survival instincts, or a bust of memory so vivid that the victim will likely hallucinate it happening again. It is not “It made me feel bad/cry/sad/angry” that’s just having feelings, and everyone has them and they can often be caused by external stimuli. Somehow you will have to cavalry up and deal with them the same as every other functional adult, and not take them out on the  world around you. The entire world won’t change for you, so you’re just gonna have to master a skill most people do in primary school, and recognise that your feelings shouldn’t dictate your actions, no matter how badly you want to hurl yourself to the floor and scream while soiling yourself because somebody said a word you don’t like.

                Gaslighting:

                Common usage: “(S)he said something that contradicted me! They are gaslighting me!” Or sentences to this effect, it’s thrown around as an ad hominem to discredit a person who has likely presented evidence against whatever claim is being asserted. Somebody proving you wrong is not “Gaslighting” you.

                Actual Meaning: Hailing from the Victorian era and falling back into fashion, Gaslighting is convincing a person that the reality they are experiencing is not real, and that they are crazy. So a person telling you that you’re hallucinating, or that you’ve got false memory syndrome, or Stockholm syndrome or (as I recently experienced) telling you that you’re a sociopath (even though no such diagnosis exists outside popular culture) is gaslighting you. Somebody presenting you with an argument, evidence, or logic to contradict you is just having an argument. Also; if somebody is telling you that you’re crazy because you’re acting like an over-entitled, spoiled 4yr old with the emotional control of withdrawing coke addict and vocabulary of a Pokémon, then you aren’t being gaslighted, you’re just crazy.

                Sociopath:

                Common Usage: A person who has no real emotions.

                Actual meaning: None. No such diagnosis exists in modern psychology. The closest diagnosis would be “Antisocial Personality Disorder” which is described by a diagnostic list several pages long, but is typified by a lack of morality that usually manifests in a willingness to exploit others for personal gain. Though like all psychological conditions it can manifest to greater or lesser degrees along with a laundry list of other symptoms, it’s almost like each person has a unique brain or something.

                Clinical Depression:

                Common usage: I felt bad this one time, sometimes I just wanna sit around and do nothing.

                Actual meaning: In the same way that an amputee can’t “will” their severed limb to move, you can’t manifest the energy to experience positive emotions. You’ve got frequent intruding thoughts of suicide, no sense of self-worth. What’s more; because you have no reason for this beyond your broken mind, your brain find reasons to explain why you feel this way, and interpret everything around you as a reason to explain why you’re such a waste of human skin and deserve nothing more than a quiet, unremarkable death.

                Okay, that’s the worst contenders out the way. Perhaps having got this out my system I can once again focus on the damn research project I’ve spent the last year of my life doing… though I wouldn’t put money on that.  

I mansplain some stuff

Since I recently had three middle aged women and later a 16year old girl inform me about how the world really works and all my experiences, education, and the combined works of men and women who have spent years studying the human condition means nothing in the face of their lived experiences and ill-informed opinions (also MY lived experiences were dismissed with casual disparagement and distain, so I guess it only works when they do it.) I’ve decided to write a piece I have been putting off.

I’m sure the older readers will remember when words like “Fireman” and “Policeman” were encouraged to be erased form the vocabulary of the general population as sexist, as they discouraged women from going into these fields (incidentally; it was only the prestigious jobs that got this treatment, which is why we still have “binman” in our vernacular) so now we have “Firefighters” and “Police Officers”. The notion being that the casual omission of women would hinder the development and ambition of little girls.
To an extent, this is very true, children’s perceptions of the word are very over-simplified and it wouldn’t be beyond reason to suggest that inclusion and/or exclusion by omission would indeed encourage low ambition and or self-esteem, as well as shape their developing identity.

So on that note?

Here are some great word to come out of our champions of equality, like the esteemed people who spent a good three or four hours yelling at me for suggesting that harassment in the workplace shouldn’t be gendered.

Mansplain:

Literal definition: When a male, in a (typically) male-dominated field, presumes that a women in the same field is ignorant or oblivious of basic knowledge and condescendingly explains or outlines ideas that the women in question likely knows. It is also often the case that the woman is more qualified than the man in question.

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Used to shut down a discussion.

My experiences of it: Working in schools, in a VERY female dominated field, I’m often casually assumed to be bad with kids (SEN and regular kids), and my female colleagues frequently take me aside to give me instruction on how to do my job that I’m massively overqualified to do.
Once at a wedding, I got super self-conscious and nervous and started going into massively unnecessary detail about something very mundane. I got a sarcastic “thank you for mansplaining that to me” with an absence of malice, and I apologized and explained that when I get nervous I babble.

Manspread:

Literal definition: A man on the subway sitting with his legs apart, thus blocking seating for others.
(Also: Casually defined by popular feminists as a patriarchal display of dominance by predominantly exposing a man’s primary sexual organs…. I wish I was making this up)

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Everywhere. Seriously, instead of making it into a gendered issue, just ask the guy to move, you’ve refined “passive aggression” into an academic art form now!

My Experiences: Personally I sit with my legs slightly apart because I have these reproductive organs there that are sensitive to heat and pressure. So I’ll sit with my legs pressed together when women have to wear a bra one size too small, then we can both be massively uncomfortable (and a little bit in pain). Also, for every guy that sits like he’s smuggling a hedgehog in his jockstrap I’m pretty sure there is an entitled woman who covers spare seats with her bags/purse etc… just sayin.

Toxic Masculinity:

Literal definition: Aspects of male gender roles that are actively harmful to social or personal development. For example: A man is not a “Real man” if he is a virgin, takes “lip” of any woman, or cannot get into a fight at least once a week to prove his manhood.

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Anything remotely masculine, including “male spaces”. Guys wanna talk together without girls about the pressures they feel from society to protect and provide, and the suicidal thoughts it gives?  Toxic Masculinity. Men want to play video games together? Super toxic masculinity! Guys want to get together to watch [favourite sports team]. Super-mega toxic masculinity!

My Experiences of Toxic Masculinity: Generally when somebody attempts to shame me into doing something I don’t want to do “Be a man!” and so on. Interestingly the few times this has happened it’s been from a woman. It’s a constant source of amusement and irritation that the people who seem to be the gatekeepers of what masculinity is/should be are not men.

Man-Flu:

Literal definition: Disparaging term used to suggest that when men are sick they exaggerate their pain and suffering to get sympathy.

Incorrect (and sadly common) usage: To disparage somebody’s suffering. Humans like to feel loved, papered and cared for, but men do NOT like to express vulnerability, especially emotional vulnerability. Being ill is a way to escape the social pressures of having to be strong ALL THE TIME and express a socially accepted vulnerability and for a short time enjoy the feeling of having somebody care for you. Also, shaming somebody for being in pain is not cool.

My experiences of Man-Flu: Pretty much every time I take time off work sick “Couldn’t you force yourself to be in?” Yes, I could. But I’m sick so I am staying at home! Also, my little brother’s appendix ruptured that one time, because his appendicitis symptoms were totally just him exaggerating, right?

The Male Gaze:

Literal definition: A predatory and sexually aggressive look that men (collectively) give to women.

Incorrect (and sadly common) usage: A man looked at me and I didn’t want him to, why can’t only attractive men I like letch at me?

My experiences of the male gaze: Worked with a gay guy who was super into me. Honestly didn’t bother me, it was nice to feel like somebody thought my bum was sexy.

Y’know what? I’m gonna stop here. I could go on, but I will not. The point is, boys are growing up with these words creeping more and more into common usage, prefixing some behaviour with “Man” and then pretending that it is exclusive to the male condition. It causes me considerable ire to know that these boys will be casually branded as “broken” and “toxic” simply by virtue of their existence by turning a word that defines what they will be as a prefix to a negative behaviour.

Labelling theory states that you give a group a label and eventually they will conform to that expectation simply because it is less emotionally and mentally tiring then having to constantly jump through hoops to demonstrate that you are the exception to that rule. This is especially common behaviour in children.

So we are in a situation where young boys have everything to be ashamed of, and nothing to be proud of, and then we wonder why so many little boys have serious behaviour and emotional problems.

So let me “mansplain” something to you:

Humanity is always going to have people who do bad and horrible things, sometimes these people will have a penis, and sometimes these people will have a uterus (or both/neither). Pretending that good/bad behaviour is dependent on one or the other is creating a problem not solving it. It creates broken little boys who grow up into emotionally volatile, violent, and maladjusted men. It created narcissistic and entitled little girls that grow up to be self-absorbed, criminally abusive, and emotionally irresponsible women.

Nothing about your sex or gender makes you a good or bad person; but you can ignore everything I have just said, so long as you tell me to “Stop mansplaining” first.