I mansplain some stuff

Since I recently had three middle aged women and later a 16year old girl inform me about how the world really works and all my experiences, education, and the combined works of men and women who have spent years studying the human condition means nothing in the face of their lived experiences and ill-informed opinions (also MY lived experiences were dismissed with casual disparagement and distain, so I guess it only works when they do it.) I’ve decided to write a piece I have been putting off.

I’m sure the older readers will remember when words like “Fireman” and “Policeman” were encouraged to be erased form the vocabulary of the general population as sexist, as they discouraged women from going into these fields (incidentally; it was only the prestigious jobs that got this treatment, which is why we still have “binman” in our vernacular) so now we have “Firefighters” and “Police Officers”. The notion being that the casual omission of women would hinder the development and ambition of little girls.
To an extent, this is very true, children’s perceptions of the word are very over-simplified and it wouldn’t be beyond reason to suggest that inclusion and/or exclusion by omission would indeed encourage low ambition and or self-esteem, as well as shape their developing identity.

So on that note?

Here are some great word to come out of our champions of equality, like the esteemed people who spent a good three or four hours yelling at me for suggesting that harassment in the workplace shouldn’t be gendered.

Mansplain:

Literal definition: When a male, in a (typically) male-dominated field, presumes that a women in the same field is ignorant or oblivious of basic knowledge and condescendingly explains or outlines ideas that the women in question likely knows. It is also often the case that the woman is more qualified than the man in question.

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Used to shut down a discussion.

My experiences of it: Working in schools, in a VERY female dominated field, I’m often casually assumed to be bad with kids (SEN and regular kids), and my female colleagues frequently take me aside to give me instruction on how to do my job that I’m massively overqualified to do.
Once at a wedding, I got super self-conscious and nervous and started going into massively unnecessary detail about something very mundane. I got a sarcastic “thank you for mansplaining that to me” with an absence of malice, and I apologized and explained that when I get nervous I babble.

Manspread:

Literal definition: A man on the subway sitting with his legs apart, thus blocking seating for others.
(Also: Casually defined by popular feminists as a patriarchal display of dominance by predominantly exposing a man’s primary sexual organs…. I wish I was making this up)

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Everywhere. Seriously, instead of making it into a gendered issue, just ask the guy to move, you’ve refined “passive aggression” into an academic art form now!

My Experiences: Personally I sit with my legs slightly apart because I have these reproductive organs there that are sensitive to heat and pressure. So I’ll sit with my legs pressed together when women have to wear a bra one size too small, then we can both be massively uncomfortable (and a little bit in pain). Also, for every guy that sits like he’s smuggling a hedgehog in his jockstrap I’m pretty sure there is an entitled woman who covers spare seats with her bags/purse etc… just sayin.

Toxic Masculinity:

Literal definition: Aspects of male gender roles that are actively harmful to social or personal development. For example: A man is not a “Real man” if he is a virgin, takes “lip” of any woman, or cannot get into a fight at least once a week to prove his manhood.

Incorrect (but sadly common) usage: Anything remotely masculine, including “male spaces”. Guys wanna talk together without girls about the pressures they feel from society to protect and provide, and the suicidal thoughts it gives?  Toxic Masculinity. Men want to play video games together? Super toxic masculinity! Guys want to get together to watch [favourite sports team]. Super-mega toxic masculinity!

My Experiences of Toxic Masculinity: Generally when somebody attempts to shame me into doing something I don’t want to do “Be a man!” and so on. Interestingly the few times this has happened it’s been from a woman. It’s a constant source of amusement and irritation that the people who seem to be the gatekeepers of what masculinity is/should be are not men.

Man-Flu:

Literal definition: Disparaging term used to suggest that when men are sick they exaggerate their pain and suffering to get sympathy.

Incorrect (and sadly common) usage: To disparage somebody’s suffering. Humans like to feel loved, papered and cared for, but men do NOT like to express vulnerability, especially emotional vulnerability. Being ill is a way to escape the social pressures of having to be strong ALL THE TIME and express a socially accepted vulnerability and for a short time enjoy the feeling of having somebody care for you. Also, shaming somebody for being in pain is not cool.

My experiences of Man-Flu: Pretty much every time I take time off work sick “Couldn’t you force yourself to be in?” Yes, I could. But I’m sick so I am staying at home! Also, my little brother’s appendix ruptured that one time, because his appendicitis symptoms were totally just him exaggerating, right?

The Male Gaze:

Literal definition: A predatory and sexually aggressive look that men (collectively) give to women.

Incorrect (and sadly common) usage: A man looked at me and I didn’t want him to, why can’t only attractive men I like letch at me?

My experiences of the male gaze: Worked with a gay guy who was super into me. Honestly didn’t bother me, it was nice to feel like somebody thought my bum was sexy.

Y’know what? I’m gonna stop here. I could go on, but I will not. The point is, boys are growing up with these words creeping more and more into common usage, prefixing some behaviour with “Man” and then pretending that it is exclusive to the male condition. It causes me considerable ire to know that these boys will be casually branded as “broken” and “toxic” simply by virtue of their existence by turning a word that defines what they will be as a prefix to a negative behaviour.

Labelling theory states that you give a group a label and eventually they will conform to that expectation simply because it is less emotionally and mentally tiring then having to constantly jump through hoops to demonstrate that you are the exception to that rule. This is especially common behaviour in children.

So we are in a situation where young boys have everything to be ashamed of, and nothing to be proud of, and then we wonder why so many little boys have serious behaviour and emotional problems.

So let me “mansplain” something to you:

Humanity is always going to have people who do bad and horrible things, sometimes these people will have a penis, and sometimes these people will have a uterus (or both/neither). Pretending that good/bad behaviour is dependent on one or the other is creating a problem not solving it. It creates broken little boys who grow up into emotionally volatile, violent, and maladjusted men. It created narcissistic and entitled little girls that grow up to be self-absorbed, criminally abusive, and emotionally irresponsible women.

Nothing about your sex or gender makes you a good or bad person; but you can ignore everything I have just said, so long as you tell me to “Stop mansplaining” first.